History Homework #36 Triangle Comments

Arden,

I enjoyed reading your essay as it was very in depth. I think the foundation of it is very strong and with some solid editing you would have a great paper. The fact that you used examples and direct quotes from some of your interviews is helpful in portraying direct examples of what some people are like as opposed to just speaking from opinion of what and how you think people would respond. My favorite section that you wrote in your essay was the rules of cool. It was written in a very honest and straight forward with an alternative approach. As far as improvement goes on what you already have. I think by labeling your draft ideas in a mess, you already sort of know that organization of your essay is going to be vital for it. What is very good though is the fact that you use many hard facts including numbers which add strength to your essay as a whole. I think you should definitely expand on your ideas of the rules it takes to be successful at cool and hip. Some of your other arguments are not as relevant to your thesis which I think you could drop and therefore make fewer arguments but stronger ones. Its often quality not quantity. I do look forward to reading your final draft and think you have the potential to make a good draft an excellent final.

Omar,

Although you are not technically not in my triangle partner group. One of my partners failed to submit there rough draft essay so i figured i would read your essay. For starters, great essay with solid points all around. At this point I think the points you have are strong enough to squeeze out 1000 words for your essay. I dont think you need to add any more arguments, i just think that you should expand on the current ones and provide more supporting arguments for them.
The most interesting point and argument that you provide in your rough draft is the one about how important connection and touch is in our lives. It immediately reminded me of the book Tuesdays with Morrie. In the book one of the characters talks about how important touch and connection is in our lives. We are never touched and held enough as children. Although we are held a lot, the connection cannot be used enough. No amount of phone calls and emails can substitute for physically seeing and connecting with them. When you write that we are helplessly slaves of cool you immediately move on to another topic. I think this is a shame because that phrase really catches the reader and think you could expand on how and why we are slaves of cool because that phrase is so interesting but is not quite straight forward enough to be not supported with any arguments.